whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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