"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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