Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
