All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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