Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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