I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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