The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Never underestimate the power of titties
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
