Just took my morning after pill in the library
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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