There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
