Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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