im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Randomize
