I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Randomize
