Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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