Fine. I'll sleep in my office
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
