I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
