do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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