After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
