I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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