well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
A bitchslap is in order.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize