I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
