at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
