I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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