when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
