I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
