Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
