I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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