i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
