genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
