Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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