Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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