It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
My liver just broke up with me...
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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