he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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