so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
