a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
