I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
