What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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