I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
