I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
