Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
