I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
barbara walters just said penis...
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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