but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
