i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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