I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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