i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
