Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
