Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
