Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
