I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Randomize