I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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