If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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