i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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