Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
