you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
