Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
