Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
