Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I don't want my vagina anymore.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
