his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
