anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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