I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I am mentally ready for anal.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize