where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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