i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
